so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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