That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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