Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
