Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
