Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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