Pappa wants mamma naked
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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