i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
