i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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