They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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