so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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