I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
