You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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