im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
