i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
