Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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