Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
