Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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