ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
