How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
