exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
