You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
