Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
