my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
