I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
