God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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