I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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