explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize