Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
