So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
