I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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