My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
