I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
