i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
