Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
