theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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