You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize