he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
