I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
