Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
