just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
