At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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