Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So. Much. Porn.
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