just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
