Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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