guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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