My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
