Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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