I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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