I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
