3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she looked like the before picture.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
