best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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