She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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