Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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