well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
