There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
